Ten Tips on How to Enjoy a Happy and Safe Thanksgiving This Year.

1. If the touch football game is your only physical activity of the year, be sure to ask the host or hostess at least three hours before game time to prepare a plate of turkey and all the fixings so you can enjoy it at the hospital.

2. If you come across a bowl of chips that smell absolutely fabulous, don't eat them. It's potpourri.

3. If deep frying a turkey outdoors in a 50 gallon drum of boiling hot oil for the first time, it's highly recommended that you seek the guidance from an expert. If you can't find an expert, find someone who has included you in their will to take over while you pop inside for a moment to check the biscuits.

4. Never ask a child to run out to the kitchen and whip you up a gin and tonic.

5. When arguing with others over what to watch on television, it's perfectly acceptable to make the case for football by stating the documented fact that a football game is a one time live event and It's a Wonderful Life, The Wizard of Oz, A Christmas Story and The March of the Wooden Soldiers will be on six hundred and ninety seven times between now and New Year's Eve.

6. A Democrat should never enter the home of a Republican on Thanksgiving and during dinner, pretend to search for weapons of mass destruction within the stuffed cavity of the turkey.

7. While often funny and fair game in almost all other social settings, snide comments about boyfriends or girlfriends of your relatives who possess tattoos, body piercings, questionable fashion sense, strange or bizarre belief systems, dead end jobs or horrible taste in music, movies and books should be avoided until Thansgiving officially ends at midnight.

8. It is extremely dangerous to eat a Thanksgiving dinner in under three minutes. Experts say the danger increases exponentially if you compound the risk by finishing your meal in three minutes or less and then ask the person who spent the better part of two days preparing it, and just sat down, Who's ready for dessert?.

9. When asked in a group setting to identify what you are thankful for this Thanksgiving, it's considered unwise to include any criminal acts of which you've never been convicted.

10. To increase your chances of being invited to Thanksgiving dinner next year, be sure to bring your children with you when you head back to the airport for the return flight home.

Hope this helps. Happy Thanksgiving!

About the Author

John Hartnett is the owner of Early Bird Publishing, a manufacturer of humorous greeting cards (http://www.earlybirdpublishing.com) and distributor for Send Out Cards: Changing Lives One Card at a Time (http://www.sendoutcards.com/hartnett). He is also the author of Now What?,at http://www.johnhartnett.blogspot.com. email:johnhartnett@earlybirdpublishing.com.

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